Friday, March 16, 2007

Getting from here

I’ve been thinking about.....

Everything is easy!

I realized a week or two ago that “everything is easy”, and that that was a big change for me. I mean, for most of me life I’ve been thinking, “Everything is tough, but dammit, I’m going to overcome it all and win!” My Dad’s illness and death were tough. My social issues at school were tough (certified nerd here). My brother’s death was very, very tough. Struggles in my career (which I realized afterwards came from both the pressure of a genius father, and post-traumatic stress syndrome in the wake of family tragedies) were tough. Difficult personal relationships were tough. Healing myself from the fear of happiness so that I could finally get married at 40 was tough. Being told I was infertile and overcoming that was tough, and required great willpower. Weird financial issues and tension over how we live have been tough. Being told I was menopausal at 47 was tough.

And through all these things, I’ve found myself looking at others who seemed, without struggle or any particular effort, to have what to me were charmed lives. They had several children, with whom they could stay home if they wished; they and/or their husbands had normal jobs with normal hours which they mostly seemed to enjoy; if their children needed snow clothes or special help with something, they would get whatever it was without having that nagging feeling of “should I really be doing this?”or going without. The year that we had a more standard work situation it was wonderful to be able just arrange services or enrichment programs that ds needed, or go shopping for shoes when I needed them, instead of putting it off and putting it off. I was devastated when that ended (even though I knew it was really for the best), because I had treasured the sense of relief that that had all brought me, and the relaxation and happiness that had come from it. I found myself asking, “WHY does it always have to be so hard for us? Why can’t we just have a regular, OK, normal life? Other people do – I don’t really see any reason why that shouldn’t be us.”

And then I would feel ungrateful for saying that, because after all, we’re so lucky compared to so many. There are many people who are one paycheck away from homelessness, or who have to work long hours and put babies in daycare in order to afford groceries, or who don’t have marketable talents, or can’t get pregnant at all. So I felt, maybe that’s just how it is. Maybe you can’t have everything you want. Wanting more seemed perhaps to be ingratitude.

Discovering The Secret, the Law of Attraction, was a revelation, because it spoke of there being enough for everyone, and that it was worth focusing on your desires because you really can make them come true. It reminded me of the times when I really had, through sincere and passionate flowing of energy, got things I really wanted, and I knew that it was for real. After I began to get the hang of it, and saw the amazing things happening really quickly for both myself and others, and began to understand about inspired action, I realized, yes, “Everything is easy!”But I kept running into enormous resistance from those close to me. It led to some really good growth but it was wrenching every time. On the one hand I felt so happy about what I was learning, on the other it really threw into stark relief how we’d got into trouble in the first place, and why we hadn’t been happy. And I could see things happening that were not attracting what we wanted. Yet whenever I posted about it on MDC, people would ask me gently how I was manifesting this in my life. I found that hard to answer – after all, wasn’t I doing the things I was supposed to be doing, practicing gratitude, believing in the future and changing my life for the better? - and yet the stuff around me seemed to be affecting my ability to use what I knew. I learned to celebrate all of us being where we are, but still....

In the last few days it began to get me down again. Dh seemed to be swirling in an energy of frustration. My Mom said the most inconseqeuntial things, such as “I’m having coffee, do you want some?” or "I think the mail just came," in a tone more suited to “Someone just drowned my pet hamster.” Ds, of course, has been a lightning rod for all of us.So here I was this morning trying to keep hold of my “everything is easy” mantra, and thinking how much easier it would be if I didn’t have to shield myself from stuff going on around me all the time, when it hit me. ONCE AGAIN I have a situation in which I have an enormous challenge - the lack of understanding of, and resistance to (as it sometimes seems), the LoA from everyone in the house – and I’m determined to overcome it!!

How brilliantly ironic!! Yes, I’ve manifested my usual thing again – a great challenge.

OK, enough!!! Everything is easy. I decided to choose that it IS easy!! Not “I have to set my face to the wind, and will soldier bravely on believing it’s easy until it is,” but It. Just. Is!

So this afternoon I decided, dh and I are perfect partners. We vibrate harmoniously in all aspects of our lives. Mom is wonderful, and I love her, and her life’s getting better already. And ds is just fine. He hasn’t fully realized it yet, but everything’s clearing out for him. Today when I saw him getting (briefly) controlling about who was first in line at gymnastics, I felt that familiar tightness in my stomach, the worry for him and frustration, and “why does he have to be difficult” feeling. But then I said, ds is just fine, it’s all flowing in the right direction. And he did. And it is. For all of us, together.

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